Dear Diary,
It’s been a year since the worst week of my life.
Part of it feels like it has been so much longer than that, I have changed so much as a person over the last year. The other part of me can be instantly transported back to the moment I found out, not believing it could be real.
August 30, 2023 – It’s been a year since I woke up to the news that changed me forever. The first time I read it, I didn’t believe it could be true. The second time I read it, I felt sick to my stomach. I spent the rest of the day praying for a miracle.
I knew what day it was from the second I opened my eyes this morning but I made my way through my day regardless. Really, I felt grateful. I’m at a place today I never would have believed to be possible a year ago. But then tonight as I was doing the dishes I saw one of the photos up on my fridge, she’s smiling away like my little sunshine girl always did. It’s not the first time today I saw a picture of her, she is everywhere around my home. I’ve always had photos of her everywhere because she is my sunshine girl. But that one on my fridge broke me all of a sudden. She’s probably in second grade and has the cutest little pom pom hair, her smile is lighting up the room. And it hit me. I will never have a new photo of her, no more school pictures, no more beach days, no more long drives listening to music, no new memories. Forever fifteen.
September 2, 2023 – Today will always be a day for both of them. The birthday of the one who called me sunshine, and the day I lost the one who was my sunshine. In a way, it brings me peace knowing that they are together, but that doesn’t make me miss them any less. I’ve dreaded today for so long now, knowing it was going to be hard but not knowing what to expect. To be honest, it was as perfect as it could have been.
There were moments where it felt like my heart was breaking all over again and moments where I felt hollow inside, but there were also so many moments of gratitude. For the years I had with her, for the beautiful sunsets that I know she is sending my way, for my incredible friends who have supported me and picked me up through this year of heartache.
To spend the evening at her favourite place, the beach, as the sky turned pink and getting to talk about some of my favourite moments with her is everything that I could have asked for and more.
It’ll never stop hurting that she’s gone and knowing how much pain she was facing in the time leading up to losing her, but I am so grateful she isn’t hurting anymore. And I will soak up every pink sky she sends me to tell me she’s okay until we are playing in the waves together someday.
I love you forever, my sunshine girl.
XO Cassidy Hannah
Cassidy Hannah 